Not too long ago a friend of mine called me and said, ‘Hi Zoe, it’s me your good pal from, New York!’

What good pal?’ I replied in utter confusion.

RON

‘What do you mean…… what good pal!’

ZOE

‘Oh, Ronnie Taletto?’

RON

‘Well… of course, Ronnie Taletto! Who did you think it was?’

ZOE

‘So… what brings you here to lovely San Francisco?’

RON

‘Well, I have to interview five interesting people for the magazine that I’m working for in New York. This is a business trip.’

ZOE

‘I see, so you’re interviewing fancy, interesting people, like, from the opera and ballet?’

RON

‘No, just simple, interesting people, like, you.’

ZOE

‘Me? You have got to be kidding. I am so not fancy nor am I interesting or, whatever! No interview… absolutely not. You’re a great friend and all but NO, NO, NO and that’s that!’

RON

‘Ah come on… why not?’

ZOE

‘Because!’

RON

‘But you’re great and interesting in every way. I mean, you’re the great Zoe!’

ZOE

‘Oh, don’t be so silly. No one knows me. People know who my mother is, they’ve heard of my sister and, everyone knows about my fabulous niece! But me…… no one would have a clue.’

RON

‘Ahhhhhhhhh, come on. It’s a real simple little interview.’

ZOE

‘No, Ronald.’

RON

‘Ah, OK. But you don’t know what you’re missing and you’d really enjoy it.’

ZOE

‘A different question… when did you get here and how long are you staying here for?’

RON

‘I got here last Sunday night and I’m here until Saturday morning. Leaving on the early bird flight.’

ZOE

‘What? You mean you arrived last Sunday night and you didn’t call me before that? And today is already Friday, you knucklehead, you’ll be leaving tomorrow! Why are you calling me now? I’m you’re best, best friend…  honestly?’

RON

‘Well… I was busy……really busy. I was interviewing a person everyday, and man, was I tired from all that talking. And in the evening I had to go to a ballet or an opera and parties and talk to more people. You know, interviewing and having fun can get quite exhausting. And then I had masses of meetings to go to.  I simply had to go to that big meeting with Edwina and I had to go and see Ernest, Ernestine and Ernastina . You know, they’d never forgive me if I just didn’t maker time for them. I wanted to give you a buzz but I got so tied up!’

ZOE

‘Oh… really, this is so infuriating of you! You’ve never done this before.’

RON

‘Well… I’m sorry, truly I am! I thought you’d be thrilled to do another interview with me and then we’d go to Houston’s and I’d take you out for a nice dinner afterwards. You know, I’d get you your favorite dish and your favorite drink? And I’d ask the manager, Louie Berserko, to sing you your favorite song? How about it, eh? Come on. Only fourteen questions…. real simple ones.’

ZOE

‘Fourteen questions?!’

RON

‘Well, we can skip a few. Come on, just say OK.’

ZOE

‘Well… when were you thinking of doing this interview?’

RON

‘In a half an hour, if that’s OK with you?’

ZOE

‘What? Half an hour? But I’m not ready and I’m meeting a friend for lunch soon!’

RON

‘Well, I’ll meet you guys for lunch, if that’s OK with you and your friend, and walk you home and, then we’ll do the interview in your nice apartment. Hey, where are you guys going for lunch?’

ZOE

‘Oh, I’m not too sure about you coming and meeting us, it sounds a bit rush-rush to me. I’m going to meet my friend at Fog City Diner and we are  going to have a nice relaxing lunch… none of that hectic business. But I can’t go out to dinner because my stomach will be full from lunch.’

RON

‘Well, Zoe, don’t eat so much for lunch! Who’s the friend?’

ZOE

‘It’s Zeke and little Zack.’

RON

‘Oh… it’s them! Well… they’ll understand.’

ZOE

‘By the way, what is the interview about?’

RON

‘Oh… it’s about your living situation, you know, your spouse or your boy friend… how you two get along…. that kind of stuff.’

ZOE

‘But, I don’t have a boy friend!’

RON

‘Yes, you do. You talk about him all the time. It’s that Mr. Munzi or Mr. Mitzi guy or whatever his name is……………. Man, what a crazy name for a guy.’

ZOE

‘Ohhhhhh….him, yes, yes, yes. Well, I don’t know if he’ll be around when you come, he’s very shy around people. What if he has an errand to run or something?’

RON

‘Well, tell him not to run any errands during that time. I’d like to meet the guy and ask why he is so shy, I mean, I’m just a normal guy. He doesn’t have to be shy around me.’

ZOE

‘OK, I’ll see what he says.’

RON

‘I mean, if he has to run an errand, OK. But it would be nice meet him.’

ZOE

‘Well, I’ll ask him.’

RON

‘So…I’ll see you at Fog City Diner around twelve thirty?’

ZOE

‘Yep. Bye.’

The phones go:

Click.

Click.

After a few hours at my place:

‘Man, that was a great lunch,’ Ronnie said.

ZOE

‘Yes.’

RON

‘So… where is your Mr. Mitzi guy?’

ZOE

‘Oh, I think he went somewhere.’

RON

‘Did you tell him that I was coming?’

ZOE

‘Oh, I told him.’

RON

‘Well, let’s get started shall we? He’ll show up sooner or later, right?’

ZOE

‘Right.’

RON

‘So… let me get my pad of paper and my special interviewing pen and the questionnaire. Just sit back and relax. Okydoky?’

ZOE

 ‘Okydoky.’

RON

‘OK… first question. Give me some history of this person to explain the origins of his idiosyncrasies.’

ZOE

‘Boy, do you have to start off with that big word idio—that-whatever-it-was-word, Ron? I don’t have a clue what you are talking about. I thought you said this was going to be nice and simple! You know, I can’t stand complicated stuff!’

RON

‘Well, Ok… tell me a bit about this guy’s history… why is the guy so shy, you know.’

ZOE

‘Oh…well… that’s easy. I honestly don’t know too much about when he was a little boy but when I met him he was abandoned and needed a home really badly. Yes, I guess you might say that he’s a bit shy around strangers but not around me. I guess the shy side comes from being taken away from his family at such an early stage in his life. You’ll have to ask him.’

RON

‘Wow, ok, I’ll ask him but lucky guy, having you around!  Okay next question, tell me about when you first met and the circumstances. You know, what happened to his life?’

ZOE

‘I already told you, I honestly don’t know much about his previous life. But, he was homeless and needed a place to stay. He was staying at a friend’s house but that couldn’t be a forever thing. With me it was more a forever thing.  We had a rough start in the beginning but things worked out just fine.’

RON

‘Oh, you mean he beat you up after the nice things you did for him?’

ZOE

‘Oh no, no, no, nothing like that! He just had to get used to being around me, that’s all. Poor baby, I don’t think he grew up with much love and kindness.’

RON

‘I see. Next  question. Describe the physical attributes about this person that interest you or endear you?’

ZOE

‘Well… he’s a very nice sweetie, we never argue about anything. Actually, there is nothing much to say here. We live in total peace and harmony. Isn’t that great, Ron?’

RON

‘I see, very nice, Zo, very nice. Okay now….describe the psychological things about him.’

ZOE

‘Oh… what shall I say? Again, there really isn’t much to say. I mean he has no problems like drinking, smoking, eating too much chocolate, no addiction. He never, ever went to jail or to the crazy house or to a hospital, if that’s what you mean. No, Mr. Mitzi is just a sweet and normal honey bunny.’

RON

‘Oh that’s good, sounds like a real swell guy. Can we go on, Zoe?’

ZOE

‘Oh yes, yes.’

RON

‘Good, this is getting quite interesting. Set up conflicts you feel you might have with this person.’

ZOE

‘Well… what do you mean by ‘set up?’ I am not getting through to you.’

RON

‘Well, forget that word ‘set up.’ Do you have any conflicts with him, you know, problems?’

ZOE

‘Oh, let me think. No, no problems, absolutely no conflicts. He is a natural sweetheart and always so truly grateful, unlike some folks.’

RON

‘That’s nice to hear. I almost never hear that from people. All I ever hear are complaints-complaints-complainys.’

ZOE

‘Oh, there is one thing about him that might be of interest to you, he is nocturnal. You know, while I sleep he loves to roam and stay up all night and have a nice ramble.’

RON

‘Around the building?’

ZOE

‘Oh no, no ,no, no he’s very good about staying close to me. No, he saunters quietly into the kitchen and has a little midnight munch or just happily gazes out the window. He never wakes me up and anything.’

RON

‘I see, so he turns on the kitchen light and wakes you up? That’s kind of annoying, isn’t  it?’

ZOE

‘Oh no, he doesn’t turn on the lights, he’s very good about that. No, he can see very well in the dark.’

RON

‘I see. Sounds interesting. Wish I could see in the dark, too. It would save a lot of electricity. Ok… next question. Explain the reasons for these questions.

Describe current actions or events you have had.

Conversations you have had.’

ZOE

‘Well, first I have to tell you this he loves to be alone with just me in the quiet apartment, he’s very happy about that. He’s not a difficult fellow. We don’t do too much, I mean, go out and all that…. too expensive. I’d like him to go to the opera with me, every now and then, but he’s not too thrilled about that. Too many people… he doesn’t like noise. I’ll have to work on that. I read to him sometimes. He loves to listen to music, just like me. Conversations? Oh yes, all the time… he loves to talk and listen. I do most of the talking and he listens, though. He’s a great listener and loves to stare at me. I guess, he thinks I’m pretty. He’s quite a guy… yep… quite a guy!’

RON

‘Yes he most certainly is. Next question. How has this changed or continued your long-standing relationship?’

ZOE

‘Oh, nothing has or will change in our long-standing relationship. I mean, we are together for life and he’ll never leave me. No, I am his one and only. The only thing that can ever change between us is death, his death or my death. Hopefully we can die together, that would be the best.’

RON

‘But if he dies first, how will you react to this, Zoe?’

ZOE

‘Oh I’ll be truly devastated, very and utterly devastated indeed………….. but, you know, life goes on.’

RON

‘And… what if you die, what then?’

ZOE

‘Ron, do we have to talk about this? As far as I can see on the questionnaire paper which you gave me, this is not part of the interview.’

RON

‘Sorry about that.  Next question. How has this person changed or stayed  the same?’

ZOE

‘He’ll never change and he’ll always be my lovy-dovy.’

RON

‘But Zoe, how can you be so sure. I mean, he could suddenly change.’

ZOE

‘Well, only death could change our big happiness. Only the outer death could change us but not the inner death.’

RON

‘Oh… what do you mean by inner and outer?’

ZOE

Well, the outer death is the one we can all see but the inner death, the one we cannot see but should feel, can never separate anyone’s love. And because Mr. Mitzi and I are so in love..…the inner death will never change our love. Do you understand?’

RON

‘Yes, I think I do. Why are you asking me if I  understand?’

ZOE

‘You have a funny look on you face, that’s why.’

RON

‘Oh… this talk about death always does this to me but I’ve never heard about the inner and outer death. Next question. How have you changed or stayed the same?’

ZOE

‘Oh….mmmmm……. I don’t think that I’ll ever change for him. Ron, you’ve got to understand, we are together for life……….. he is my one and only, too. Do you get my drift?’

RON

‘Well, yes but I have never heard of couples who have been together for a long time and still adore each other, unless they are freshly married and a young couple. You both have been together for some time, I presume?’

ZOE

‘Oh yes, a long time and he’s younger then I am.’

RON

‘Ok… we’re almost finished, just a few more questions. What does Mr. Mitzi---incidentally, why do call Mr. Mitzi, Mr. Mitzi, and not by his first name? He has a first name, doesn’t he?’

ZOE

‘Oh yes… Mr. Mitzi’s first name is Joey but he likes formality. But because he is such a pure lovy-dovy and never a problem, ever, I must call him by the formal name, Mr. Mitzi, just the way he likes it. I mean Ron, you’ve got to understand this! Honestly, you cal Sue, Miss Thunderhead, instead of just Sue. Besides Mr. Mitzi is my perfect boy and a perfect boy always gets what he wants!’

RON

‘Ohhh-kay! What does Mr. Mitzi say, do, think, feel, hope, dream, and know?’

ZOE

 ‘Oh…….. well…mmm. Mr. Mitzi, I already told you, doesn’t say much, he’s happy as a clam and so am I. Do? Well, he doesn’t do too much but that’s totally OK because he’s retired now and I’m not going into a lengthy conversation about that. Think? He thinks all the time. He is a perfect thinker and thinks about when the rent needs to be paid. Oh I forgot… he loves to think about dinner andd what we should cook. Feel? He’s got lots of feelings and is highly sensitive to harsh words.  Hope? Mmm… he hopes I’ll never leave him for another guy, that I fdo know for we have discussed this often. He’s so happy and relieved to see me when I come home. I always get such a big welcome from him. Dream? Oh, he dreams a lot but he doesn’t always tell me his dreams. Know? That’s easy, he knows absolutely everything. I mean, if I have an important question, I just ask him and he always gives me a perfect answer.’

RON

‘Wow! OK… I can tell you want to finish up and we’ll go soon but there’s one more question. What happens to further the story between you two?’

ZOE

‘What do you mean?’

RON

‘Oh, you know, what is the next thing you’ll do, you and Mr. Mindi.’

ZOE

You mean Mr. Mitzi, his name is Mr. Mitzi not Mr. Mindi. Got it, Ron?’

RON

‘Sorry, right, Mr. Mitzi. So… back to my last question. Will you and Mr. Mitzi plan to get married soon? I mean, you both get along so brilliantly. Eh?’

ZOE

‘Oh…………….. let’s see. Well, I’d like to get married when sweet Mr. Mitzi is fully ready. I honestly don’t think he’s really ready now.’

RON

‘Oh… I see, but you’ve been together for quite some time, right?’

ZOE

‘For about three years.’

RON

‘Oh… well, that’s quite a long time. A lot of my friends wait for about a year before they get married and my mother once said that it’s never good to wait too long or things get stale.’

ZOE

‘ Well… I truthfully think that my Mr. Mitzi is not ready and might not be ready for quite some time and I am fine with that.’

RON

‘I see. Well, Zoe, thank you for your time and it’s always a pleasure  doing interviews with you.’

ZOE

‘Oh, really and why is that?

RON

‘Well… you always answer the questions so nicely and you never get sarcastic or anything like that. You should hear the other people I interview with, they’re not so nice and they get awfully impatient and keep looking at their wristwatches hoping that I’ll finish up quickly because they have to dash off to some meeting or party or something. But with you, it’s nice and easy and I always get such squeaky clean and honest answers. And if you don’t understand my questions, you always say ‘what do you mean?’ I like that.’

ZOE

‘Oh thank you.’

RON

Man, Mr. Mitzi must be doing a lot of errands. When is he coming back? I mean, does he know that I’m taking you two out to dinner? You know, he’s very welcomed to join us. I’d really like to meet this super guy of yours.’

ZOE

‘Well Ron, I must tell you that he has been here the whole time.’

RON

‘Really? You mean, in the building somewhere!’

ZOE

‘No, I mean right here in my apartment.’

RON

‘What…where?! I sure don’t see him and your apartment is certainly not a big one.’

ZOE

He’s in the closet.’

RON

‘What?!?! Are you nuts or something, Zoe? In which closet………… where? The big or little closet?’

ZOE

‘ I don’t have a big or small closet, Ron. Look, he’s right there……….. see his adorable little face? He’s been sitting there the whole time.’

RON

‘It’s a cat!!!!........... Zoe!!!!’

ZOE

‘Of course it’s a cat……it’s my divine cat and his name is Mr. Kitty and not Mr. Mitzi or Mr. Mindi. Oh, this is hilarious, I truly fooled you, I honestly got you there!!!’

RON

‘Man, why have done this to me?!’

ZOE

‘Well, why did you call me in on the last day of your business trip? I am your best friend and the one who brought you Miss Thunderhead, your lovely golden retriever, Jazz and, the one who introduced you to the opera and ballet company, huh, wise guy?’

RON

‘OK, OK, OK…..  I guess this makes us even. No wonder your guy is nocturnal and so swell and not ready to get married. What a joke………. I wonder what my publisher will say to this.’

‘Oh, Will, is going to love it! He loves jokes. Come on let’s go to the restaurant, I’m starving.’

RON

‘Man, I didn’t know you, good and honest Zoe, had it in you to pull such a trick on me.’

ZOE

‘Good bye, darling Mr. Kitty, I’ll be back soon!’